Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
