i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
