Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your penis caused this!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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