he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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