Jerry, you need to find god
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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