so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
