do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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