there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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