dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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