i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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