I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping