pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???