Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days