Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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