From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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