Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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