thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
