Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
