you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
