you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
