and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
