Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize