Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
