All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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