You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
