so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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