take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
