She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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