Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
