Apparently you make a good broom.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
