His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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