I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm too high and old for this...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
