Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
