I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
