I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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