I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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