Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
