I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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