it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
