I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
