I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
