Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
