he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
