i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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