He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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