Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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