I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
