its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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