forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
