The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
