How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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