"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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