Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
