Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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