I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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