Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everyone says I win the strip club
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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