I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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