I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We need a shit load of segways right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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