Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
