The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
