I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
