Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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