i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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