I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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