She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
